Back to work, mama...

I went back to work today after almost 5 months of maternity leave.  I was very lucky to have that much time, but I wasn't ready to go back.  I feel like I have lived in the Dr. offices the whole time or haven't been 100% present (feeling out of it) and didn't do as much with the kids as I would have liked.   BUT,  C'est la vie - I can't dwell on shoulda coulda woulda..

It was hard to leave today to head to work - there were some tears, but not as hard as leaving Mia the first time.  I know better this time that this choice is the best for me and I will be a better Mom to them.  

Work gives me that "good job, Debbie" feeling.  I like the people I work with, the company I work for and the job I do.  I also like the freedom it gives our family to do a lot of great things. It does come with stress - namely commuting, but overall it gives me more good than bad.

The biggest thing it gives me, though, is the ability to focus on my kids and husband and have fun with them.  When I get home from work I have more energy to play with kids and the time to focus on only them and I have new things to talk to my husband about.

I do sometimes feel some Mommy guilt - like missing some of the "firsts", or sometimes thinking that the time I miss with them can never be taken back, but in my heart of hearts, I know being a working mom is right for me.

Decisions, Decisions..

Well, I have a decision that I have to make in the next few weeks regarding my thyroid.

I went to a doctor two weeks ago that I really liked (Dr. Elise Brett).  My dad went with me too, which was a big relief - anxiety has been getting the best of me. The doctor came from recommendation from a friend and I am glad that she gave me her name.  She is extremely knowledgable and very definitive.  Basically, she said medication is no longer an option for me - my liver was affected by the first one, and PTU (my second choice) is even harder on the liver (and many doctors are not using that medication any longer).  So, my decision is (relatively) simple, either:

1. Take radioactive iodine, be away from the kids for 3 days, and let that do the work of killing off my thyroid for the next 2-6 months.  Once all that is done, I will go on a synthetic thryoid hormone for the rest of my life...
• Pros: No surgery
• Cons: I am putting radioactivity into my body, it will take time to kill off the thyroid (another 2-6 months of symptoms), the antibodies can still attack my eyes, being away from the kids for 3 days
2. Get a thyroidectomy, with low risk to my parathyroids (4 of them - they help you absorb calcium) and vocal cords. All of which (if there is damage) are temporary.
• Pros:  graves antibodies are GONE - they won't attack my eyes, give me joint pain, etc, it is final and I will immediately go on synthetic thyroid medication, removes chance of thyroid cancer
• Cons: Surgery, risk to really important things (like my voice)

I thought a lot about this and I am really leaning towards surgery.  I don't like the idea of having anything radioactive in my body - and being away from my kids for 3 days.  I will probably sit an think about how it is slowly killing off my thyroid and just be miserable.  I like finality - and, for me, I think the best decision is a thyroidectomy.   

I went to one of the best hospitals for thyroidectomy (Mount Sinai) and saw a great surgeon.  I really think she solidified my decision - thyroidectomy it is...

Once I get the surgery I will surely be on synthetic thyroid hormones for the rest of my life.  I am worried about weight gain, but I am getting a kickstart on eating healthy now (I am trying to go gluten free and eat lean meats, poultry and veggies)

So - all in all I am feeling pretty good. I like that I have made a decision.  I look forward to all the symptoms going away (add joint pain to the long list of strange symptoms)..

Wish me luck with the surgery - and all that follows..